What Happens When Parents Yell at their Children (AhaParenting via The Mother Company)
When the message trickled into my home page, the title immediately caught my attention. What happens when parents yell at their children? I battle to contain myself sometimes and shameful as it is to admit, I sometimes am guilty of yelling at my child. However, because I honestly want to rid myself of that impulsive response to raise my voice, I make a very conscious and obvious effort to hold it in, if not for one last time, before I blow my top. And since I have been doing it, i.e. making that obvious conscious effort, I have been able to contain about 90% of my yelling. So, I suppose, I am getting there.
Having said the above, I must also mention that my child knows when I am holding it in, he perfectly reads my body language and tells me, “you look upset”. And I either admit that I am and tell him the real reason why I am upset with him or with whomever at that moment; or I chose to overcome my frustration and just take one big breath.
So when I saw the above article, I was very interested in reading it wanting to know what really happens to children when parents yell at them. I know in my child’s case, he tenses up. So much so that when he has done something he things I will be very upset about he chooses to confront me before I even find out and honestly tells me what happened with a prelude, “mom, please don’t get upset and shout at me. I just want to tell you something”. Admittedly, his technique of prompting me before works well for us because I am able to brace myself for the worst of the news and in return I am able to contain anger 99% of the time. By prompting me, in all instances, the worst I could tell him was just to ask him why he did it, and tell him how disappointed I am, and then we try to work out a solution to the situation.
According to the author, we must first exercise empathy and provide our kids room to wriggle and negotiate and meet half-way. Practice this technique a few more times and it is bound to give more positive results in the long run. The author also cautioned –
“Some children will give up if they’ve been yelled at too much. They learn to harden their heart to you because their trusted bond to their parent is broken. Once that happens the child will no longer try to please you. This is the child that will likely grow into a troubled teenager and possibly adult as well.”
The above is what exactly I am worried about, the effect of yelling in the long run.
I so love the first example about the Lego’s, I could really relate to it. My episodes of impatience usually happens during homework time. I have learned to take a few deep breaths; or in worst cases telling him I need a break to cool down, I walk away for a minute or longer and it prevents me from having that downward spiral meltdown. Sometimes, especially during homework and he is totally not receptive, I abandon the session all together.
I am determined to stop that slow build up of needing to raise my voice to get my child’s attention, and so I need every trick in the book I could learn to help me abstain from that all exhausting, guilt-laden habit of yelling. It literally drains my being when I yell, and I terribly feel guilty afterwards. I realized this “I don’t want him to be throwing a tantrum to catch my attention” so, I need to lead by example.
I am very glad to have bumped into this article. Happy reading ♥
The Grape Vine 