Give the best of you, Not what’s left of you

“Give the best of you, Not what’s left of you”.

A Facebook friend shared this quotable quote sometime ago, and of course I “Liked” it, pondered upon it, and carried on browsing. Last week I had a meltdown with my son while doing homework. It was close to dinner time, and he is running late in terms of completing the tasks assigned for the following day. Naturally, I flipped. Dinner was late, in fact, husband who was famished ate summer by himself because he didn’t want to interfere nor interrupt what was going on in the study.

When tasks have been satisfactorily completed, dinner had been had, and everyone settled for night, I flopped exhausted, still feeling guilty with my flare up. I stared at the wide empty wall before me, asking myself, couldn’t I have not handled it any better? What happened my personal promise of not having any more of these flareups?

My husband, in his reassuring way said to me, “well, he has got to learn to focus better”. I rested for the night, and woke up the following day both my son and I with refreshed, forgiven and with renewed sense of energy to face what lies ahead.

Today, having taken a couple of days off (nice), I pondered on how things have been around the house since I started working three months ago. We as a family have managed the morning rush, signed up my son to school lunch and he seems to be eating his mid-day meals(!), and supper continues to be the time we all enjoy a nice meal and catch up on each other’s news.  So far, so good.

But how about my relationship with my son, my husband and sometime for myself? So far so good, too.  A few parties here and there, we even hosted a couple of family get-togethers. Then I remembered last week’s flare up. Not good.  This is when the above quotation came to mind.

At the end of the day, when after a hard day’s work, “give your child the best of you, not what’s left of you”. Wow!

I will certainly do. What a powerful reminder to me not to vent out my frustrations and battles on him, and especially not during homework time. I should be more encouraging let alone patient. I should now how to plan my time better for myself, and to train my son to do the same.

This is now my daily reminder –

“give your child the best of you, not what’s left of you”.

 

Happy parenting  ♥

Your old self or your new pseudonym?

One of the early lessons I learned after being a mother is that of losing one’s personal identity. I recall one bright afternoon when I arrive at my child’s school to fetch, I surveyed the playground to spot my little one, when I felt little tugs on my side. A boy, pulling the left side of my shirt, said “Jaq’s mom, Jaq’s mom… he is hiding behind the tree”.  I knelt down and thanked him for helping me find Jaq and asked him if he could show me the way.

There were several other similar instances that followed and I became accustomed to be addressed as “Jaq’s mom”, my new ‘aka’.

Over the many months that followed my new ‘pseudonym’ hanged over my head. Admittedly, there were times when I questioned myself if I wanted to reclaim my old identity? That hard working corporate persona who slaves herself at work,  assuming responsibilities and taking on projects, inspired by that rush of adrenalin. Between the ups and downs of postpartum blues I craved for that high again.

When I finally landed my first job five years after giving birth, I was happy. Happy to have my own space, earn my own money, and driven once again by office responsibilities. Once again as during pre-marriage days,  ‘tunnel vision’ kicked in; I was focused and driven and determined to relive my days of glory. And because I was often rushing during drop-offs and fetching time, I no longer had the chance to interact with my son’s friends and therefore didn’t get to be called by my ‘pseudonym’. As months passed and I get more and more settled at work, I thought less and less about my ‘pseudonym” and felt more and more like my old self. Don’t get me wrong, I did not abandon my motherly role and responsibilities, I just embraced my working-mother image better.

Fast forward, now my son is almost 10 years old, the kids have grown and they now address me by my first name. Darn it! No, really, darn it! I don’t like it. Who the heck am I trying to fool? Admit, accept it, embrace it! I am Jaq’s mom. Knocked my head, slept and woke up with it. It’s tattooed on my chest, my forehead, my back.  And that while I continue to pursue my own passion and interests, my old-self is in fact the ‘pseudonym’ and my role as a mother takes the frontal seat. That the only reason I try to pursue and relive my days of glory, was because I want to provide even better opportunities for my child.

And that if presented a situation where I have to relinquish one of my title roles, no doubt I will keep that of being Jaq’s mom.

On occasion, I would notice some parents at school who seem to carry their own persona with them as they walk their kids to their classrooms.  In loud conversations one could not help but hear what they are up to for the day, obviously proud of what they do. But do they really have to do that in front of other kids and parents, especially by the classroom? Can’t they take their call in the privacy of their car? Hats off to parents who figuratively leave their coats by the school gate, and some even literally shedding them off, and as if in synchronized motion walk  their kids to their rooms and just naturally present themselves as a father or a mother.  I notice that with such parents, kids too are calm and unassuming.

At school, we are first and foremost a parent-  a mom or a dad.

For real, for good, till eternity – I am my son’s mother.  In fact just a few hours ago, when I tucked him to bed and gave him a long hug and showered his face with kisses, the title resonated on my head – I am Jaq’s mom and no one will take that title away from me, till eternity.  ♥

Letter Writing – do you encourage your kids to write to you?

Dear mom, 

I hope you feel better today 

I love you 

Do you encourage your kids to write their feelings? I find that it is a good way not only for younger kids to practice their pencil grip, but to express and share with you what they are feeling.

I can’t remember exactly now how it all started, but my son started writing us ‘letters’ from since he can grip a pencil. First it was just scribbles and chicken scratches; then he added his name to his drawings in mirror image. It progressed to “I love you’s”; then on to the now two to three liners. Our home is riddled with his letters written on the back of scrap papers, post it notes, homemade cards, etc.  There is currently a sticky note by the light switch in his dad’s study which says –

Dear Dad,

I love you.

Don’t forget to switch off the light

At times when I was cross with him he would wrote me a note and placed it on my bed which says –

Dear mom,

I am sorry I made you upset today.

I love you.

I find that it was a wonderful way of acknowledging not only his feelings but mine too, and know that his actions had affected me and that he openly acknowledged it. I, in turn, would scribbled something below his note.

Down the hallway, on the pin board, my son wrote on scrap paper which he had initially folded and given to his dad as a secret message  –

I love this family. 

Dad pass this on the mom after reading this.

There are many other life skills developed out of this practice. But, I thought and I hope, that  by encouraging this act of letter writing, my son when he grows into that stage in his life where emotions are more complex and stress levels are starting to build, that he would be able to sit and write down his emotions and thoughts and either share them with me or anyone he desires to or just merely as an expression of relief. 

I once said to my son, “you know, if you don’t feel like talking to me, you can write me a note”. And write he did.

I wonder, do you practice the same in your household?  ♥

Happy St. Patrick’s Day !

http://www.lifeisgood.com

May God grant you always – 
A sunbeam to warm you,
A moonbeam to charm you,
A sheltering Angel,so nothing can harm you.

 – Irish proverb

Thank you everyone for your Likes on my posts and your show of support. Here’s a little Irish luck for you and your family. Happy weekend – ♣

Reminder for the week : make an exception to the rule

We parents all have our firm set of rules which we expect our children to abide by.  Setting boundaries are essential right from the beginning of childhood to avoid any tantrums, fall outs or set backs as our kids get older. They could be as basic as washing hands before eating or no access to TV or tech during school week except for school related projects of course.

Setting rules keeps the house in order, the kids behavior in check and aligned expectations. But, it does not mean that an occasional misbehavior would mean a household meltdown. Every now and then we can make exceptions. Like –

Today, being Wednesday mid-week, you can watch an hour of Asterix and Obelix. 

By providing surprised exceptions the kids get that unexpected feeling of euphoria. When my son asks why, I just say 0

Just because. I think you deserve a break from your routine. 

Just like an employee being treated by his/her slave-driver boss to a no strings-attached day-off, the surprise you give to your kids out of that unexpected break re-inspires their spirit.

Go ahead and try it!  ♥

Best Friends Forever – do you interfere with your kid’s friendships?

Can you still remember the names of your first best friends from grade school? Do you wonder where they are or how they’ve been?

I scraped every chamber of my brain on this one, and, Yes I do! I remember  Nina Amor from 1st grade. Theresa who was a neighbor and a regular playmate. Lovelyn, that clever girl from second grade. Nelson and Roger from 3rd grade. And there’s Frances, Anna and Katherine; then here’s Ronald, Pat and Alvin. Oh, my mind is riddled of those long lost friendships and of fond memories we share.  Lovely memories.

Friends. They play an important role in our social nurturing let alone personal development. Remember the old adage, “Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are”. Do you agree?

Reminder for the week : Let Your Child Live His Dream

My son has always been considered sporty by his teachers and peers. However, as parents, we tend to take that ‘assumption’ aside. We know that he has his weakness and that we – my son and husband and I – must accept that reality. I know that advice by heart, however, when disappoint comes his way why is it that it seems I too gets affected by it.

My son has not been a seriously strong swimmer. He only started swimming lessons at 5 years old, while other kids start younger. He once, and for quite sometime, refused to get his face wet. I remember sitting by the pool side ready to wipe his face after the swim teacher asks him to blow bubbles in the water. After eight months of not making any progress, with myself getting frustrated and admittedly being disappointed especially after seeing other kids his age and younger steadily improving their strokes, I decided to him to hang the towel and swimming lessons a break, at least during the cold months of autumn and winter.

Lying & Fibs – when should we worry?

Lying. I wonder how do kids acquire the flair for it. You can be the most loving, encouraging parents in the world, and yet, your kids will lie. You can be strict with them, and they will still do. It baffles me, and yeah, sometimes worries me.

There was a video circulated via YouTube (CNN – Distraction: Kid caught sprinkle faced) that went viral about a child whose nose would have probably grown a meter during the entire the video, but the kid vehemently denied, straight-faced, that he didn’t eat the sprinkles despite the fact that there were sprinkles on his face and in his mouth. Cute and funny.

‘Carrot or Stick” – We Say No Because We Love You

Out of the many “I Love You’s” whispered, written, shouted out and ‘hand signaled’  in our household, I often wonder, whether my son actually grasps the essence of it all. Whenever he really feels it.

Since love is intangible to explain the meaning of ‘love’ to a child is a bit of a challenge especially during pre-school years when they are able to express their thoughts and feelings verbally and otherwise. For babies and children in their tender years to feel the warmth of the parents’ arms is love for them, it calms them down, it comforts them, they feel safe and secure. To toddlers and older kids it gets a bit more complicated than that.

You say, nah, it is easy to show love in many ways, hugs, food, playing around with them, reading to them, buying them toys (yes! yes! yes!).  Well it all starts like that isn’t it.

Truth or Consequence? Questions your prep-schooler throw at you

When I was in high school, there was this silly game we play called – Truth or Consequence? The object of the game is to get the tagged person to truthfully answer a “conniving” question or suffer a “consequence”. Questions range from like “who’s your current crush”, or “who are you dating”, and person who is put on the spot, is determined by spinning either a bottle or pen on the table or on the ground. When you have been picked, somebody throws a question at you and the group either accepts your answer as the truth (and spins again), or the group will ‘rubbish’ your answer and you suffer the consequence which can be anything silly like fetching something from the kitchen, or buying everyone a round of drinks (if you’re in a resto), or you could be asked to write a sweet note to your crush. Ah, the good ol’ days, still makes me blush sometimes.

Back to the future. This game of ‘truth or consequence’ always come to mind whenever my nine-year old asks me what I consider sensible and pragmatic questions, and that I know at that moment I better give sensible, pragmatic answers or we are all doomed.

At an age of now nearing fifty, though not showing thanks to Wella, kids think you have a brilliant answer for anything and everything under the sun. And you can only fool them until their one or two, because pretty soon conversations with your kids will start to sound like conversations you would normally have with your BFFs. And once kids are independently reading, the range and depth of questions just gets to another level.

Here are some of the questions I have been asked by my nine-year old, and how I have replied to them the best I can, or maybe not and that I should have perhaps handled it differently. You be the judge and I would be interested to know how you could have addressed them –